The title of this blogpost is pretty self explanitory!

- things are getting tough! -

I really should not be complaining AT ALL, because I live in a wonderful city, I have a wonderful host family, I go to an awesome school, and I have amazing friends...
BUT.

exchange is NOT easy.
exchange is NOT a vacation.
exchange is NOT a year off!

...exchange is difficult...

When I tell someone that my German grades are not transfering over to America- only credits... they usually respond with, " you have it SO easy," or "your SO lucky" ... THAT IS SOOOO aggrivating to hear, because I don't have it easy! Do they have any idea what it means to be an exchange student??? People act like this is a game! Like I'm here on a little adventure for a year, having the time of my life, and everything is easy, and I just get to slack off and do NO work!... boooyyy are they wrong! It is SO hard to sit through school everyday and TRY to understand what is going on. It is SO difficult to get a piece of paper and not be able to read it. It is SO difficult to sit there in class, watching everyone speaking perfect German, while I try to make sense of German grammar in a stupid grammar book! I feel SO STUPID! I feel SO LIMITED! YES-LIMITED... that is the perfect word there is! I've never felt so limited in my life! I've always been able to do things socially very well, but now that I have this whole language issue I can't. I have to THINK before I speak. It's not just random shit coming out like I do in the United States. I actually have to think, process, filter, decide if it's really important, think some more, make sure it is correct, then speak.

This has been the most difficult one and a half months of my LIFE! I feel like I've learning more in this month than in all of last year- in all of high school maybe! So many things are just streaming into my head all the time! IT IS SO EXHAUSTING! I feel like my mind will never slow down! Always, there is something new! Not so much new places or foods or scents... but new WORDS!

... don't even get me started with language! I could complain for hours! Did anybody ever mention how hard it is to learn a langauge by immersion??? It is so difficult, so humiliating, so embarassing, so stupidddd... I've heard of students who just pick it up super quick and everything is good and they don't have to do a lot of work, but me? NO WAY. I am working! Whenever I hear a word a couple of times and still can't figure out what it means, I write it down in a book and find out the definition by asking a native speaker. Like I mentioned before, I bought a German Grammar book and I read and do excersizes in most of my classes. German grammar is really tricky so I can't just read something and then know what it is... I have to do it over and over and over again, and then I have a small grasp on what I'm reading. Whenever I think I'm doing really well with the language, I learn a new rule, or tense... and it seems like I'm just as bad as when I started.

Okay I really need to break away from my moment of pity.

Things could be SO-SO-SO much worse! I'm trying to be optomistic about as many things as I can, because in reality, nothing BAD is happening. Things are just difficult. I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm surrounded by a foreign language. I don't have my parents or friends back home to support me.

I really think everyone should go on exchange in high school. I know that's impossible, but if one of you out there reading this, is a little confused about life in general, is trying to figure out who they are, and is up for the challenge, I really recommend exchange (through rotary of course). I have yet to regret it! It is exactly what I need in my life.

I'm realizing that that I'm kind of starting to ramble, but I have a lot of random stuff to say... so to make this post even more random, I want to talk about French class a little bit.

Ohhh French class... where to start! In the United States, French was my favorite class (yes I'm a dork). It was a very interactive class, and the teachers I had were really awesome! I was facinated by French and I loved speaking, reading, writing, and learning about French/France. Unfortunately... things have changed! French in Germany is my LEAST favorite class! The class is pretty difficult, but that's not the reason why I don't like it. I feel like every time I go into French class, my I'm messing up my German. Whenever I walk out I feel more behind in German because it's too much to be thinking in 3 languages at the same time. I am in Germany right now. I want to be learning German - NOT FRENCH! All we do in French is read stories and learn vocabulary and Grammar. I guess it's a good thing that I'm in French because I really want to be fluent in the future, but for the time being I just want a break. As luck would have it I WILL have a break! NO FRENCH FOR 1 MONTH!!!!! My french teacher is leaving for 2 weeks to go to Lyon, so I won't have french class for that. Then, the next 2 weeks is Fall-break, so I won't have french for that either! I'm really relieved because I feel really pressured whenever I sit in his class. He always asks me questions about how to say stuff in English, and only 1/2 the time I know! The class is pretty advanced... and I'm struggling to keep up. (explanations are in German).

... Speaking of French, I'm going to Paris in November! And my rotary club is PAYING FOR IT! Ahhh! I'm so excited! All of the exchange students in my district are taking a bus there! It's going to be so much FUN!

speaking of exchange students... I havn't seen Kate IN SO LONG! Kate is another exchange student who has been living outside of Berlin for around 9 months now.
!!!!KATE IS MY ROCK!!!!
The person I turn to! She's who I call when I'm having a bad day, and she always makes me feel better even if we talk for only 1 or 2 minutes. I really don't know what I'd do without Kate. She has made my "settling in" phase SO much smoother and I love her for that. I feel like she's the one person I can be real with. I can go to her for anything. I don't want to face the fact that she's leaving in January :(




well I best me going. I've rambled for much too long, and me and my host brother have to go to the the wayyyy east of Berlin for a party tonight. Hopefully it will be fun!